Maybe it’s the lack of sleep from RLS. Maybe it’s the self-respect that my parents instilled in me. Maybe it’s the belief they taught me that I can do anything I put my mind to doing, but all the feminist crap is getting on my nerves. Am I a bare-foot, pregnant homebody that loves to cook clean, sew, and play happy homemaker? NO, none of those words describe me. Do I love to cook? Yes, I do. Do I love to clean? Hell, no, I hate it. I hate laundry, too. Do I sew? I have no clue how to even thread a machine.
There are some days that I completely decimate a to-do list, and other days I can’t get motivated for squat. Some people would call this being lazy, but they don’t understand that I am still dealing with depression. You never really get rid of it. It stays, like an unwanted guest and rears its ugly head when you least expect it. It’s always there, waiting to pounce when you’re tired, stressed, or are just dealing with more than you think you’re capable of coping with.
Depression turns you into a liar. It does, truthfully. It’s just as bad as being a drug addict or an alcoholic. When you are at a low point, you assume no one understands what you are going through, and so, you tell friends and family that you are fine and that nothing is wrong. You put on a smile, push back the tears, make jokes, and do your best to get back home where you can wallow in your own sadness, alone.
If we do decide to tell someone, they think we’re just sad and it will pass. No, it won’t.
Please, don’t try to cheer me up.
I don’t need jokes or to be tickled. I need to be held. I need to be listened to, and empathized with. I need someone there I can open up to that won’t interrupt me or make a wisecrack. I just need someone to listen, and on occasion, someone to hold me as the tears run like flood waters.
No, I can’t shake it off.
It’s always there. It’s the darkness that lingers and makes every whispering doubt into screaming banshees. It becomes the voice I can’t ignore. It’s not that easy.
It’s not just a phase.
It’s depression, and whether it’s clinical, due to a chemical imbalance or other reason, it can never be cured. It can be stemmed. It may become easier to stave off, but it never goes away. It makes a home in the deeper recesses of your brain and stays.
I know you hate seeing me this way.
I hate being this way, but sometimes the burden gets too heavy, and road seems intolerably long and all uphill. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could crawl into a dark hole and tell the world to go away.
Just be patient and understanding.
I need that. I really need that. I don’t need cheering sections, and comedians. I need someone who will understand. I need someone who will truly listen. I need someone who is patient enough to ride the roller coaster with me and not blame it on hormones or overreacting.
This is the true face of depression, and I hope this helps those that don’t suffer from to aid those who do.
Hello, everyone! It’s official. Though I have not the funds to pay for the url proper, I created another blog for my writing. Everything here has just been moved there, and this one will be solely for personal things and my walks with God.
I figured that would be more appropriate. I am also in the process of moving things around from my craft blog to my writing blog that pertains to herbals and natural health. Come follow my book writing progress and read the short stories I post over there.
…or how trying to hurry up is not what God is trying to teach us.
Let’s face it. If we were all perfect we would have the patience of an oak, the understanding of a sage, and the wisdom of a guru, but we’re not, so we don’t. That is why we all look for things in our lives that enrich us, whether that be literature, soothing music, or lessons from God, which usually come from reading the bible and when we pray for something.
This week has brought new determination in my heart, and motivation to keep things moving in a positive direction. I refuse to let the sorrow that side-railed me last week come into my heart and spirit again. I have too many things to do, too many people to help, and far too many plans to make to let depression and hopelessness take me over.
I am doing better by leaps and bounds. I have found employment through the freelance agency. It’s not much for wages, but it is a start. My new client is going to give me a rave review on the service which will help me get more jobs in the future. As for everything else, we are taking it day by day, one prayer at a time. I think we have already resigned to the fact that we are going to move in with Henry’s sister. This means we will be on the bus line, and Henry will be able to get back and forth to work. I love Louisiana, and I am grateful for Valerie for letting us come here and stay, but the opportunities are not what we thought they were going to be.
The upside to the move is that we will closer to my friends that I have made while I was living in GA, and being able to take the bus means we will be able to meet them and spend time with them. I will miss Louisiana, but, when, not if, we are back on our feet and rolling again, we wouldn’t mind coming to visit.
It’s been a few days, and I am sorry about that. I have been fighting depression, and with the help of my husband, my brothers and sisters in Christ, prayers, and Joseph, I have finally gotten it licked. I have been through homelessness, living with my parents, and now living with a friend, and now, I am facing yet another move. This had me worried, stressed, and utterly distraught. All I wanted to so was curl up in a ball, and make the world go away. It would be another move, another location, another few weeks of praying for employment, still haven’t found that, or some way to pay the bills. My cell phone was cut off due to lack of funds. My mother, bless her heart, added us onto her plan, but has told me that she will no longer be able to help out by paying our storage, which may lead our things being auctioned off to who-knows-where. I am determined, still to find something to generate money. I have tried Go Fund Me, and I have had a few wonderful friends help out in that manner, but the last few times I posted the link for help, I think they may have gotten tired of seeing it, or they could no longer help.