Yeah, it’s been like that. Roller coaster emotions, coping with stress, and even trying to cope with things I am not at liberty to say on the internet, because I have either been sworn to secrecy, or it’s not my place to splatter it all over the place. Add to this, back pain, needing to buy herbals for my increasingly troublesome bronchitis, which has decided to revisit me, and a mom who is trying her best not to undergo a procedure for bone spurs, and you have my week, in a brief description which can only be perfectly described in pictures.
There are some days that I completely decimate a to-do list, and other days I can’t get motivated for squat. Some people would call this being lazy, but they don’t understand that I am still dealing with depression. You never really get rid of it. It stays, like an unwanted guest and rears its ugly head when you least expect it. It’s always there, waiting to pounce when you’re tired, stressed, or are just dealing with more than you think you’re capable of coping with.
Depression turns you into a liar. It does, truthfully. It’s just as bad as being a drug addict or an alcoholic. When you are at a low point, you assume no one understands what you are going through, and so, you tell friends and family that you are fine and that nothing is wrong. You put on a smile, push back the tears, make jokes, and do your best to get back home where you can wallow in your own sadness, alone.
If we do decide to tell someone, they think we’re just sad and it will pass. No, it won’t.
Please, don’t try to cheer me up.
I don’t need jokes or to be tickled. I need to be held. I need to be listened to, and empathized with. I need someone there I can open up to that won’t interrupt me or make a wisecrack. I just need someone to listen, and on occasion, someone to hold me as the tears run like flood waters.
No, I can’t shake it off.
It’s always there. It’s the darkness that lingers and makes every whispering doubt into screaming banshees. It becomes the voice I can’t ignore. It’s not that easy.
It’s not just a phase.
It’s depression, and whether it’s clinical, due to a chemical imbalance or other reason, it can never be cured. It can be stemmed. It may become easier to stave off, but it never goes away. It makes a home in the deeper recesses of your brain and stays.
I know you hate seeing me this way.
I hate being this way, but sometimes the burden gets too heavy, and road seems intolerably long and all uphill. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could crawl into a dark hole and tell the world to go away.
Just be patient and understanding.
I need that. I really need that. I don’t need cheering sections, and comedians. I need someone who will understand. I need someone who will truly listen. I need someone who is patient enough to ride the roller coaster with me and not blame it on hormones or overreacting.
This is the true face of depression, and I hope this helps those that don’t suffer from to aid those who do.
“You had a house, a car, and a job, how can you live like this?”
A lot has happened. I put it all in this blog post here.
We are no longer on the road due to unforeseen circumstances. We are currently staying with my parents. Yes, I’m forty and staying with my parents for the time being. The question above was posed to me by my mom. Hmmm… I had never really thought of an answer. Never thought of it at all, really.
Most people would say it is impossible to be lonely in a house full of children. They would say the laughter alone would be enough to make them feel a part of something. I think those people have never had to be apart from someone. I miss Buddy. A month at a time on the road is hard on both of us. Internet connections and Skype aside, it’s lonely not having the one you love with you.
My kitten makes me feel less lonely. He comes and either sits, waiting for me pick him up and put him in my lap, or he jumps if he thinks I am not paying attention. He plays with my earbud cord, and, the next thing I know, he is asleep in my lap. He is positively adorable. how can you not love something this cute?
This is day two of my checklist. I have it on my laptop. Another might join it. I haven’t decided. Yes, breakfast is listed. If I don’t have it there, I get so wrapped up in my work, it’s lunch before I know it. I know, I have a lot of social media to cover, but, at 15 minutes each, I think I can handle it. If I don’t time myself, I will be puttering around all day wasting time, and getting nothing accomplished.
My bible verse today was Hebrews 13:5-8
5 Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”6So we can confidently say,
It’s just nice to know that He is always there, and never changes. In this world where things get lost, tossed in garbage heaps, and re-arranged, it’s wonderful and comforting to know that you can always count on Him to be there when you need Him the most.
Until next time, God Bless.
Have you ever wanted to be somewhere do badly and felt completely helpless, because you couldn’t? I felt that way, and am still there this morning. Let me explain.
My mom called yesterday. She is depressed, very, and on top of that, she is having pains in her feet that the doctors can’t explain. She broke down over the phone, and it was that moment, that one moment, that I wish I could have dove through the phone and given her a hug and been there for her. All I could do was be on the phone until she stopped crying. I have never felt so helpless.
That night, I prayed for her, oh did I pray, and the tears started to flow. I got up from the bed and went into the livingroom until the tears subsided. My friend Amanda came out of her room, and put her arm around me. I heard a door open, and her mom came out. We prayed for my mother, and Tina, her mom prayed for me.
I am so blessed to have such good family. Can’t call them my friends really. They are more like family.
Until next time, God Bless…
Yes, this day started out grey, rainy, and bleh. In the middle of the ick and the gloom, we are going to yard sales and a farmer’s market. Good thing my hair is naturally curly, and getting it wet doesn’t mean complete and utter ruin. It just means that It will get wet and curl up more as it dries.
And then there is Henry, the one I am trying to be too busy to drive myself crazy about. He sent me his good morning through Facebook, and told me he has paid for this phone. Now, I get to text him from my laptop whenever I have a thought of him. That is remarkably a lot more than most would think. I love him. This time away from him isn’t easy, but I am managing. He has two plans, either going owner-operator or finding a local job so that he can be home every night. He can’t stand being away from me, and I hate being apart from him.
We Skype, loving Skype, we message each other through Facebook, and we play World of Warcraft. Yes, he is a gamer, like me. We get on a voice chat, and he leads me around and through “dangers untold”, though we don’t fight our way to castles. (Yes, I did a Labyrinth reference.) He is helping me on the game. I hadn’t played it at all until he came back into my life. I love the game.
I am determined not to let the day bring me down. There is always something to do. There is always something to watch, edit, read, study, and there are always chores to do. There are plans to make, money to put back, food to make and pack, recipes for the crock to try, jewelry to make, and there is always, always, my love, whom I pray for every night when I go to bed.
Until next time, God Bless.
Ever since I was a child, I loved watching the animated movies. I didn’t know how much I was missing until I got my hands on The Hobbit, and I realized how much I was missing. I loved the way the book was written, and my imagination conjured far better images than the movie. It wasn’t until I was a little older that I learned movies don’t always reflect the books. I still go back and watch the movies. I love the artistry in the animation.
It was after I had my son that I read The Lord of the Rings. I became completely immersed in the world and the realms that Tolkien had created. I fell in love with each character and the interactions between them. I laughed, I cheered, and I cried when Gandalf was lost. Oh did I cry. I was with Sam and Frodo on their journey, and cheered Sam on when, undaunted, he saved his friend and they finished their quest. I reached for the tissues again as they lay upon that rock waiting for death.
I was excited when the live-action movies hit the screen. Mind you, I wasn’t expecting everything in the book to be in the movies, but I was looking for key things, some little, some big.
I loved the fact they had Gandalf discover Sam listening in on the conversation between him and Frodo. I was in awe at the fireworks display, and the “disappearance” of Bilbo from his own party. I have always believed the little things make the movie worth seeing when you have fallen in love with the book. It had plenty of little things.
I missed Tom Bombodil. I know. I know. He wasn’t a main part of the story, but he did help the hobbits out, and I would have loved to see how they would have worked his wonderful spirit into the movie, him and Goldberry. Alas, I was a bit disappointed, but it didn’t last long.
The interaction between Legolas and Gimli had me in stitches. They got it perfect. I loved that. The littlest thing they got right? Merry and Pippin being taller than than Sam and Frodo after they drank the Ent Draught.
I loved the movies. Yes, I am showing my geek again, but I don’t care. lol
I have seen the first part of the Hobbit. Again, I was amazed. I loved how they left in enough little things to keep me smiling. Now, the inclusion of Legolas and adding a character that isn’t even in the book for a love interest for Legolas has me on edge. I do not mind leaving things out because of time constraints, but adding things in that are not in the book? I don’t like it. It trips the frustration switch. If it isn’t in the story, it shouldn’t be in the movie. Sorry, but that is just the way I see it. I will see the rest of the Hobbit movies. I will give them the benefit of the doubt. I will sit in the theater or with the disc in the laptop, and watch them objectively. I will. I really will. I promise.