Here I am, back at the beginning. I never thought I would have to back-track in order to move forward, but sometimes it is required. I am back working at Party City after 7 years. Halloween is a busy time for the company, and I am doing my best to make an impression and make some money to further my other projects.
Buddy, my loving husband, once again has to fight to get job in order to get his license back in order. Two weeks after he got his license, they suspended it, AGAIN. He was paying his child support. They took it out of his check every week, but I guess that wasn’t enough to keep them from yanking it. It’s getting ridiculous.
I have good days and bad, like most, but the doubts and the monster that is depression keeps seeping into my thoughts. We have marked goals and things we want to do, but it seems like, for every five steps forward, we get knocked ten back. I know we are working toward a better life, but there are still days where I listen to that still voice of doubt more than should. It’s been louder as of late. I have to learn to tune it out, but it’s hard.
I have love. I know God loves me, and I know Buddy loves me. I know my parents and friends love me as well. I still have a hole in my heart. My son, whom I would die for, won’t speak to me. I know why, but I won’t post it here. It still hurts. I feel as though my heart has been torn out, and pieced back together with one vital piece missing.
I pray for him every night, I pray that he is well, and that he has found his path in life. I pray he will find it in his heart to see that I know I was not the perfect parent. I pray for him to just call me or send me a message. I am patient. I will not poke, prod, or pressure him. I send him messages on his birthday and holidays. I don’t expect a reply. I just hope he is doing well in his new life, and that he, his fiancée,and his step-son are doing well and prospering.
I hope all of you are doing well.
God bless you all,