I am sitting here in the office, at the desk, thinking. Thinking of the past twenty years, and how I have gotten to this point in my life. I have asked myself many times over if I am truly happy. Honestly, I can’t say that I have truly been happy. I mean really happy. I have been content, and satisfied at times. I have smiled at things that have made me happy, but I have not been truly happy, content, and with a feeling of belonging. My life has been a journey of discovery and learning.
I have learned how strong I can be when I needed to be strong. Most of the past twenty years, including my marriage, that I felt I was raising my son myself. His step-father would back me up, but he never seemed to be into the whole parenting thing. I felt I was a single parent the entire time I was married and my son was in the house. I have had to stand on my own when it came to taking a stand and homeschooling my son. I don’t think I have looked at my husband and included him in being a parent to my son. I don’t remember even saying “our son”. I guess my standards in that regard a little high. If it seems cold, that is just the way I feel.
I have learned that I needed to bear more than I thought I could. I have been mother, wife, bill payer, supervisor, chore list maker, housekeeper, and so much more. I have been the rock in my family. I feel that I have to be. I am afraid to let go, and let my husband take the reigns. I have let God guide me, and now I fear that I am being lead in another direction. I don’t know where it will lead, but I am ready to tread down that path.
You see. I have plans, and I am a dreamer. Somehow, through God’s will, I have married someone that I fear does not truly believe in me and my dreams, my business, and where I want to go with it. He says that he supports me, but when I discuss with him where I want to take my business, there is hesitation, doubt, and suggestions that I need to just keep the business where it is at and not make any plans for its future. It hurts to know that someone in my life does not fully believe in me.
Let me explain my dream to you. I am in the process of making a business plan, and in three years, I am hoping to get a loan or some type of financing to open a cafe and craft shop. In three years, not three months. This cafe will have healthy options and feature teas that I have mixed myself and herbals that I have crafted as well as jewelry, food, and classes to teach people about health and crafting. My husband does not think this will work. He wants me to ditch the cafe idea. He just wants me to open a craft shop, and forget about my passion for herbals and natural health. Though I love him, I feel that God is leading me to a new path, and it is one where my husband will not follow. We shall see.
Until next time, God Bless.