At the computer once again pouring my thoughts onto a virtual page. I don’t do this as often as I feel I should, but the mood to type something does not strike me as often as most others, I guess.
The past couple of weeks with Paul’s birth father back in his life have been productive ones. It seems that I can begin to hope again that my son will find his path in life and travel it to his own happy ending. This is good, but I still have reservations. As much as I want to be happy for him and put faith in the fact that this time will be different, I am afraid. I have done it so many times in the past that I now have a scar on my heart from disappointment and sadness. Yes, I know, as a parent, I must continue to have hope that he will be a productive member of society, but I am in a constant “wait and see” mode. Letting my heart hope for the best and letting it have faith once again, scares me. My son, though I love him dearly and would do anything for him, has hurt me more times than he knows. It has been a long hard road with him. My heart aches. I want so badly to see him succeed.
Some may think it very premature to put faith in his birth father and that side of his family, but I feel it is the right course. I am always looking to do the best for my son, and I feel that this is the best. After all, it seems to be having a positive impact, and despite a few critics, I am happy to have back-up when it comes to my son.
My parents are another story entirely. They feel it is a very bad idea. They still carry grudges and animosity toward Buddy (Paul’s birth father). I hope that one day they can finally find it in their hearts to see that what I am doing is the best for Paul, and that people do change for the better. I understand their position, but I don’t see how one can walk through life carrying the poison of hatred and animosity. Grudges can be a terrible burden. I will pray that their hearts can opened, and they can see the situation for the positive influence that it can be.
Until Next Time, God Bless.